Dialogue Writing Exercise

This is a dialogue writing exercise for 2 people. It is similar to an improv skit but without the pressure of actually improvising and with a multiple choice structure.

– Connect on an instant messaging app (Facebook, skype etc) with your partner.
– Copy paste the scenario on the chat log and decide who’s going to write for the two characters.
– The first character starts with a line of dialogue
– The second character offers TWO possible lines presented as multiple choices (the lines should be substantially different, see our discussions regarding agency in twine games)
– The first character picks one of the two proposed lines, and continues the story/dialogue by also providing TWO possible lines
– Repeat the process: pick a line by the other character, write two possible continuations, wait for your partner to do the same, until the story reaches some kind of resolution.

The story should develop primarily as a dialogue but you can add actions and gestures too (*exits the door*).

Violent actions (killing etc) and scenario changes (the spaceship is hit by a meteor) are not allowed.

Teams and scenarios

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13 comments

  1. sandrak

    SCENARIO F:

    Don’t wear that.
    That looks ugly.

    It’s not ugly! It’s warm!
    It’s not ugly! It’s pink, which is different!

    That pink is hideous color.
    The pink just really isn’t flattering on you.

    This season’s pink is like the ugly sweater trend. It’s fashionable!
    You’re right, this is much more your shade of pink.

    The fashion world for you teenagers is crazy.
    Ugly sweaters are ugly sweaters. Just like how Christmas sweaters are all ugly.

    You really don’t like that sweater grandma made you, do you?
    You just don’t like Christmas.

    Don’t tell her I said that.
    No, I liked it… She made it with feelings, you know…

    Maybe pink has feelings, too. Like how blue is intrinsically sad.
    But you never wear it out of the house!

    Pink reminds me of Valentines, which is also a disgusting commercial holiday like Christmas. What is this world even.
    Yeah, I think pink is a romantic color. Just not that pink.

    You’re only sad because you can’t eat the chocolate dad gave you.
    Valentine’s Day has great, meaningful historical roots. And Halloween is great as well.

    Chocolate is my life’s drug.
    You are so lucky you have that metabolism. It ain’t gonna stay you know. It all goes to your butt when you get to my age…

    My butt doesn’t need any help!
    I give up. This sweater makes me look fat.

    Actually, it looks better the longer I look at it.
    You should take it off, so now we can go to the backyard and go burn it.

    If we really wanted to burn it we’d have to buy it first. Waste of money, you know?
    Can we burn that awful sequin covered dog saddle aunt Maggie bought rover instead?

    OHMYGOD. Actually, we SHOULD burn that awful dog saddle…
    We should just leave the store. These clothes are awful. Even more than the saddle.

    Can we buy marshmallows and graham crackers and make snores over its ashes?
    Oh, we should pick up special doggy treats while we’re at the store
    *smores

    We can get the marshmallows and crackers. Just I can’t eat them. The chocolate, you know….
    MY DIET IS OVER. LETS EAT THE SMORES. AND BURN THE SADDLE.

    We can also buy ham and cheese and bread and put sandwiches on a stick and make croque monsieurs. I don’t actually like smores that much, it’s just the glory of the thing.
    We can just burn the crackers with nothing in them! It’s all carbs in the end.

    How do you even know how to make croque monsieurs?
    That sounds amazing. Let’s do it.

    It’s just a fancy name for a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. Or in our case, a fancy name for a lump of char.
    The Internet, mom. The Internet.

    I DON’T KNOW HOW TO INTERNET.
    I guess you learn everything from the Internet nowadays…. It makes me want to buy a smartphone. From what crazy fruit company you people always buy from. Orange…, no, Apple?

    Blackberry’s funeral is this week.
    In this case. Banana republic. Let’s leave the darn sweater and go home ☹

    *goes home*

  2. Gregory Rose

    Gregory Rose
    A tour guide on a lunar base is entertaining a large group of visitors when illness breaks out and she must prevent panic.
    I’d like to welcome everyone to this magnificent lunar base!
    A) A visitor says “What’s that shiny thing?”
    B) A visitor says “Cool, let’s keep moving”

    John
    A. The visitor inspects it closer, and is surprised.
    A. “Oh dear, it appears to be some kind of alien artifact!”
    B. “It’s getting bigger… and brighter…”

    Greg
    A. “Oh dear, it appears to be some kind of alien artifact!”
    A) And what kind of aliens are those?
    B) Can I take it as a souvenir?

    John
    B. The visitor reaches his hand out, then immediately starts coughing.
    A. “Don’t touch that! It might be dangerous.”
    B. “Hmm… I bet my boss would find this to be a wonderful object for scientific inquiry.”

    Greg
    B. “Hmm… I bet my boss would find this to be a wonderful object for scientific inquiry.” Pulls out camera and starts taking photographs
    A. Other visitor: maybe we should move away from it
    B. Visitor: *starts coughing more*

    John
    B. The visitor starts coughing more, and more violently.
    A. “I wonder if this happens with everyone?”
    B. “Let’s move to another section. Nothing to see here!”

    Greg
    B. “Let’s move to another section. Nothing to see here!”
    A. Another visitor starts coughing
    B. A visitor notices a door sealing behind them

    John
    B. A visitor notices a door sealing behind them. The crowd begins to get anxious.
    A. “Don’t worry about that door. It’s been acting funny all week.”
    B. “Oh my! The automatic biological containment field has been activated!”

    Greg
    A. “Don’t worry about that door. It’s been acting funny all week.”
    A. “How are we gonna get out of here?”
    B. Sounds good, let’s move on with the tour!

    John
    B. The lone visitor reassures the crowd, but a few are still uneasy.
    A. Lead them to the railgun facility.
    B. Lead them to solar power facility.

    Greg
    B. “I love your enthusiasm, Jeremiah! Let’s move onto the next stop, the solar power facility!”
    A. Several visitors start coughing
    B. A visitor starts throwing up

    John
    B. A visitor starts throwing up. The vomit is glowing green. The sun is very bright on the solar panels.
    A. “Vomit is supposed to glow green.”
    B. “See this panel here? It has a very special task…”

    Greg
    B. “See this panel here? It has a very special task…”
    A. Another visitor: “Hey, shouldn’t you be doing something about that?”
    B. The visitor throws up again, this time on another visitor.

    John
    B. Soon 4 tourists are regurgitating glowing green vomit. It smells very sulphurous.
    A. Find nearby medical supplies.
    B. Slam the quarantine button.

    Greg
    B. “Oh shit* and runs over to slam the quarantine button
    A. *A visitor runs to stop the tour guide*
    B. The visitors who were covered with the glowing vomit start screaming and running around

    John
    B. A complete red alert is initiated. All doors lock down in the solar facility. All visitors begin panicking, as more and more vomit is spattered across floating around in 1/6 Earth’s gravity.
    A. The tour guide starts coughing.
    B. A visitor starts transforming.

    Greg
    B. A visitor starts transforming. The tour guide looks worried. The transformed visitor, Harry, starts rampaging around and attacking people

    A. The other visitors bravely fight back
    B. The other visitors cowardly run away

    John
    B. The other visitors attempt to flee the rampage of the monster, but to no avail. The tour guide notices a few additional tools in the room.

    A. Get into mech suit.
    B. Activate oxygen gas release valves.

    Greg
    B. Looks like I’ve got no other choice! *Activates oxygen gas release valves.*

    A. A tourist looks back, says “What are you doing?”, and tries to stop
    B.

    [TO BE CONTINUED]

  3. Rachel M

    Rachel Moeller
    Two strangers are stuck in a room that has a security door. The one is overly concerned with getting out, the other wants to become friends,and so is in no hurry.

    Aram Ebtekar
    Alright, I need to go to class.

    Rachel Moeller
    1. Oh, what’s your major?
    2. Class is for nerds. Here, I have a deck of cards. Let’s play war until the security guard comes.

    Aram Ebtekar
    1. Ha fine, let’s skip today.
    2. What no way, this is an important lecture!

    Rachel Moeller
    1. What’s so important about it? Are they teaching you how to play war, ’cause I got that lecture right here, man. 2. Mellow out. There’s no way to open this door, and we ain’t going anywhere fast. Let’s just chill.

    Aram Ebtekar
    1. What, how do you know that?!
    2. *call police* OK just one game until someone finds us…

    Rachel Moeller
    1.The cosmic energy of the door is just radiating negativity. I can see it with my highly trained third eye, but even normal people are probably being repelled.
    2. I designed all the locks in this facility…and I know how to open them too.

    Aram Ebtekar
    1. Wait, why did you call me in here?
    2. Good one. Um hold on, do you study at this school?

    Rachel Moeller
    1. As chief lock technician here, my job is very important. Not just anyone can do it. I need to find a successor, someone who….how do I put it…..is not a honking asshole. I heard you were cool, bro. So I won’t let you out until you prove to me that you’re rad.
    2. I need to gauge your friendliness. I only devour the souls of my friends.

    Aram Ebtekar
    1. And if I’m not… “rad” enough for the job?
    2. You don’t think imprisoning a random passerby is an asshole move?!

    Rachel Moeller
    1. So you find the tragic cause of my forced retirement! Oh, unmellowest of candidates, you wound me! You are not chill at all!
    2. No, dude, look. I’ve been watching you. You don’t litter or anything. You’re perfect. Look inside yourself,don’t you want to be a lock technician?

    Aram Ebtekar
    1. I sense there’s more to this role than closing the campus at night…
    2. Get us out now, or I’m taking the keys by force!

  4. Matt Kellogg

    Scenario: Two construction workers are building the foundation for a house when they discover a treasure chest.
    Matt: A treasure chest! I’ve got dibs.
    Mac:
    1. hey buddy, we are digging together.
    2. hmm.. u sure there is treasures instead of shit inside?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. Don’t call me buddy, guy. We are co-workers, not friends like you keep insisting. I called dibs, so I own the treasure.
    2. We did find it together. And it wouldn’t be fair not to share with you. How do you want to decide how to split it?
    Mac:
    pick 2
    1. sure. lets do this like how we gambling last night. shall we?
    2. thx man. you know it is a hard time for my family. my mom…
    can i get little bit more to cover the fee of hospital.
    ?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. You mean we bet it all on a race across the country, then get blackout drunk and wake up in the back of the ihop both wearing only shirts made of pancakes and skirts made of waffles?
    2. Gambling has never turned out well for me. Could we just split it in half?
    Mac:
    pick.2
    hey man. we need to do this secretly.
    1. sure. (walk toward the shovel)
    2. there is two chest. which one do you like?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. I’ll open it! *grabs lid and pulls it open* There is one single large diamond inside. As you know it is impossible to split a diamond in two, so how can we handle this?
    2. Open it! I want to know what we found.
    Mac:
    pick 1.
    1. now i have the shovel. dont you think i should decide it? (waving shovel)
    2. how about selling them right now. then slight the money?
    Matt:
    Pick 1.
    1. You have the shovel. I have this gun. *quick draws gun pointed at face* You’ve gone mad with greed. Put the shovel down or I’ll have no choice but to shoot.
    2. No need to get violent. We can solve this in a civilized manner.
    Mac:
    pick 1.
    if i am not here, i would expect how you explain to our boss!
    1. waving shovel to you
    2. wait
    Matt:
    pick 1.
    1. This is Texas. You can use any excuse to shoot anyone. *BANG*
    2. *gets hit in leg with shovel* *BANG* *shoots friend’s hand off* …. *wakes up in hospital with nurse over me* WHERE IS THE DIAMOND!!!
    Mac:
    pick 2.
    1. breaking new on Tv: coal mime explosion last night
    1. hey buddy. it is just a dream right?
    2. hey man where is the diamomd?
    Matt:
    Pick 2.
    1. The land owner took it. We were fired.
    2. You’ve been in a coma for 23 years. I took your half and invested it. You are the richest person on earth. Not mars though. That guy is ridiculously loaded.
    Mac:???

  5. Matt Kellogg

    Scenario: Two construction workers are building the foundation for a house when they discover a treasure chest.
    ”Matt: A treasure chest! I’ve got dibs.”
    Mac:
    1. hey buddy, we are digging together.
    2. hmm.. u sure there is treasures instead of shit inside?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. Don’t call me buddy, guy. We are co-workers, not friends like you keep insisting. I called dibs, so I own the treasure.
    2. We did find it together. And it wouldn’t be fair not to share with you. How do you want to decide how to split it?
    Mac:
    pick 2
    1. sure. lets do this like how we gambling last night. shall we?
    2. thx man. you know it is a hard time for my family. my mom…
    can i get little bit more to cover the fee of hospital.
    ?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. You mean we bet it all on a race across the country, then get blackout drunk and wake up in the back of the ihop both wearing only shirts made of pancakes and skirts made of waffles?
    2. Gambling has never turned out well for me. Could we just split it in half?
    Mac:
    pick.2
    hey man. we need to do this secretly.
    1. sure. (walk toward the shovel)
    2. there is two chest. which one do you like?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. I’ll open it! *grabs lid and pulls it open* There is one single large diamond inside. As you know it is impossible to split a diamond in two, so how can we handle this?
    2. Open it! I want to know what we found.
    Mac:
    pick 1.
    1. now i have the shovel. dont you think i should decide it? (waving shovel)
    2. how about selling them right now. then slight the money?
    Matt:
    Pick 1.
    1. You have the shovel. I have this gun. *quick draws gun pointed at face* You’ve gone mad with greed. Put the shovel down or I’ll have no choice but to shoot.
    2. No need to get violent. We can solve this in a civilized manner.
    Mac:
    pick 1.
    if i am not here, i would expect how you explain to our boss!
    1. waving shovel to you
    2. wait
    Matt:
    pick 1.
    1. This is Texas. You can use any excuse to shoot anyone. *BANG*
    2. *gets hit in leg with shovel* *BANG* *shoots friend’s hand off* …. *wakes up in hospital with nurse over me* WHERE IS THE DIAMOND!!!
    Mac:
    pick 2.
    1. breaking new on Tv: coal mime explosion last night
    1. hey buddy. it is just a dream right?
    2. hey man where is the diamomd?
    Matt:
    Pick 2.
    1. The land owner took it. We were fired.
    2. You’ve been in a coma for 23 years. I took your half and invested it. You are the richest person on earth. Not mars though. That guy is ridiculously loaded.
    Mac:???

  6. Liz

    Concept: A research vessel harvests an alien creature from the ocean floor. It can influence the emotions of the humans around it.

    CAPTAIN A: Mason, Harvey, What did you find?

    MASON: Skipper it’s… you should come see this. It’s some kind of tentacled creature. It doesn’t match any of the lifeforms we were sent here to find.

    CAPTAIN A: Well, maybe we can get something out of it at least. What do initial scan indicate?

    HARVEY: The scans are all fuzzy captain. They’re saying–they’re saying that the lifeform is human.

    MASON: More than just that – the creature, human or animal or something else entirely, has some kind of emotional magnetism. Everyone near it feels… happier.

    HARVEY: There you go again Mason. You always have to bring it up don’t you. Your research, the one that shunned you out of the scientific science community. You need to move on. Emotions can’t be manipulated. They’re too complicated for that.

    CAPTAIN A: Can it, Harvey. Doctor Mason’s the Xenobiologist here, not you.

    MASON: I appreciate that Skipper, but maybe Harvey has some other explanation for how this creature is registering as human on all of our scans.

    HARVEY: The only other explanation I have is that it’s one of us. One of us is the monster. One of us isn’t who–or what–we say we are…

    DUNDUNDUUUUN

    Mason:

    Harvey:
    A: I don’t know. I’m sorry but capta’n’, capta’n I lied to you. The monster–it’s not a monster it’s–it’s a dick pic I sent to Mason
    B. The only other explanation I have is that it’s one of us. One of us is the monster. One of us isn’t who–or what–we say we are…

    Captain:
    (*puts the entire lower deck in lockdown*)

  7. Dan Sakamoto

    Servant: *deeply sighs in awe of oracle* “I have come from the city in the valley to seek your council”

    Oracle:
    “Do you have any idea what time it is? How dare you disturb me in the middle of the night?”
    “Oh, the city of Tigersburg? That’s a lovely town.”

    Servant:
    “There was a storm between here an–“
    “I’m sorry, great oracle. I brought gold! I come on behalf of the king.”

    Oracle:
    “Silence! If the elements tried to hinder your journey it was surely for a reason.”
    “Well then come in, come in. Dry yourself and tell me what the purpose of your journey is.”

    Server:
    “I do believe in the power of the gods… and so does my king. But I did not make this journey in vain. I have only a few questions for you.”
    “They did not hinder me. I’m here, aren’t I? And the oracles do not rely on sleep for their wisdom… or so I’ve heard…”

    Oracle:
    “As a wise man once said: The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
    “As a wise man once said: Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”

    Servant:
    “Your indirectness will only waste our time. I came to know the will of the gods!”
    “Well then I’m no one’s prisoner.”

    Oracle:
    “Then get to your point. What is it you wish to know?”
    “The gods are rude and strange. But we can try to decipher their babbling.”

    Servant
    “Our king plans to send troops through Serbia and march them to the small western seas. The weather may favor this march if we leave soon… When should we expect the most success?”
    “Decipher it and be clear about it then, oracle. You have dominion over this district only by the generosity of Our king. Tell me: When should we march to the western seas towards rome?”

    Oracle:
    “The gods speak to me. They say “The tides are about to turn, and the flounder will soon be a shark.””
    “The gods speak to me. They say “Don’t dress for the job you have but for the job you want.” They also are curious about where you bought your outfit.”

    Servant:
    “I didn’t buy it, I collected it from my slain brethren. And my sister wove me this shirt. I don’t dress for any task, but for the weather. Which I would like to know.”
    “Well then, oracle. How should I dress?”

    Oracle:
    “Have you ever considered vertical stripes?”
    “I think a golden headpiece would really frame your face well.”

    Servant:
    “Is it the gods that are being enigmatic or is it you? *grabs arm* If we leave tomorrow at daybreak, will we make it safely to rome? ”
    *curls fists* I have NOT considered vertical stripes. What is it PRECISELY that you are trying to convey, oracle?

    Oracle:
    “You tell me. It’s really your decision to make, isn’t it King?”
    “I can assure you it will go well…if you do something for me.”

    Servant:
    “I’ll do anything to assure the success of our journey.”
    “What do you need, oracle? It depends…”

    Oracle:
    “Take me with you and I’ll make you king. I’m very bored.”
    “Take me with you and I’ll make you king. I have business in the western seas.”

    Servant:
    “A bored oracle. And how do you know I would even want the responsibility that comes with being king?”
    “You’re a filthly creature, oracle. This is treason. But I am an ambitious man.”

    Oracle:
    Well the let’s be off. The king will be dead before we even arrive.
    Well then let’s be off. I’ll tell you on the way how to kill the king.

    Servant:
    KILL THE KING?!
    how…? *whispers*

    Oracle:
    Well, the first thing you’re going to need is some piano wire, and then…. *both exit*
    Well, the first thing you’re going to need is a rabid animal, and where you’re going to put it is…*both exit*

  8. mkim2

    Scenario: A homeowner answers his front door and finds a door to door salesman of

    magical items.

    Homeowner:
    Hello?

    Salesman:
    1) Hello sir.
    2) How are you doing today sir?

    Homeowner:
    1) Look, are you trying to tell me something?
    2) Well, thank you. What can i do for you?

    Salesman:
    1) Whoa there sir. I just sell magical stuff. Would you like some?
    2) Yessir. Take a look at these fine items. Have anything you want to get rid of lately?

    Homeowner:
    1)Show me what you have.
    2)I don’t have time for this.

    Salesman:
    1) C’mon sir, don’t be so sour. Did your wife dump you or something?
    2) Are you sure? You seem to be having some trouble with your neighbors…

    Homeowner:
    1)How did you know I was having trouble with Peter and Sally?!
    2)You have about 30 seconds before I call the police. Please get out of here

    Salesman:
    1) Well sir, I do carry around magical items. Are you interested now?
    2) And not just Peter and Sally, right? You’ve been suspicious of your daughter as well…

    Homeowner:
    1)Wow, it seems as though you do have magical items. How else would you know this?
    2)Oh Yeah? Get the fuck out of here and stop spying on my family.

    Salesman:
    1) Sorry sir. I seem to have gotten off the wrong foot here. I’m not spying on your family.
    2) It’s not spying if it’s magic. You, too, can know what exactly your daughter is doing… your neighbors too if you feel like it.

    Homeowner:
    1) [Notices neighbor holding bag of item that match the items the salesman is holding] I will always grant someone a second chance if they ask for it. What do you have in your bag?
    2) [Notices neighbor holding bag of item that match the items the salesman is holding] You’re selling this shit to the whole block? Get off my lawn immediately before someone really gets hurt.

    Salesman:
    1) Thank you sir. [Opens up the bag, spreads the contents at the door] It’s whatever your heart desires.
    2) Thank you sir. [Opens up the bag, spreads the contents at the door] It’s whatever you need the most.

    Homeowner:
    1) You were right about my daughter, Elizabeth, I have been having trouble trusting her after what happened [he says as he fishes through the items]
    2) Peter and Sally…. They will have to go. [he says as he picks up a vial containing a deep purple liquid]

    Salesman:
    1) Ah, the most terrible thing… I might have just the thing for you, a…charm of sorts.
    2) Might I ask what happened? I could pick out the perfect item that could match your needs.

    Homeowner:
    1) What do I do with it?
    2)How much does something like this cost?

    Salesman:
    1) You carry it around with you and wait for the results.
    2) You place it on your daughter. She can’t remove it or else it won’t work.

    Homeowner:
    1) Is it a necklace or something?
    2) How am I supposed to get her to wear this? It smells terrible!

    Salesman:
    1) Now, now, sir, with this other charm, you can mask the smell. Buy two, win your daughter for free. Sounds like quite the deal, doesn’t it?
    2) Terrible? Sir, are you sure you aren’t sick?

    Homeowner:
    1) That does sound like quite the deal… What kind of numbers are we talking here?
    2) I’ll take them. Aren’t you curious what I’ll be using it for?

    Salesman:
    1) Ah, I don’t deal with numbers. A tooth will do.
    2) Ah, I don’t deal with numbers. Just kiss me and we’ll get this over with.

    Homeowner:
    1)Lucky me. Buy two, get two things free….
    2)I knew I should have called the police. You are a fucking pervert.

    Salesman:
    1) Kissing is perverted? Sir, this isn’t really the 60s. I’m practically giving it to you for free.
    2) [Slap him]

    Homeowner:
    1) [Take a step back. Get turned on by the burn of the slap and kiss him passionately.]
    2) [Shove him back]

    Salesman:
    1) [Kiss him even more passionately, taking his breath away]
    2) [Kiss him even more passionately until he dies]

    Homeowner:
    1) [Step closer, pinch his butt] I love it when we role play like this.
    2) Are we done here?

    Salesman:
    1) Same. We should do it again. Except you’re the magic guy.
    2) Same. [Enter house, close the door behind him while still making out]

  9. Matt Kellogg

    Scenario: Two construction workers are building the foundation for a house when they discover a treasure chest.
    Matt: A treasure chest! I’ve got dibs.
    Mac:
    1. hey buddy, we are digging together.
    2. hmm.. u sure there is treasures instead of shit inside?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. Don’t call me buddy, guy. We are co-workers, not friends like you keep insisting. I called dibs, so I own the treasure.
    2. We did find it together. And it wouldn’t be fair not to share with you. How do you want to decide how to split it?
    Mac:
    pick 2
    1. sure. lets do this like how we gambling last night. shall we?
    2. thx man. you know it is a hard time for my family. my mom…
    can i get little bit more to cover the fee of hospital.
    ?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. You mean we bet it all on a race across the country, then get blackout drunk and wake up in the back of the ihop both wearing only shirts made of pancakes and skirts made of waffles?
    2. Gambling has never turned out well for me. Could we just split it in half?
    Mac:
    pick.2
    hey man. we need to do this secretly.
    1. sure. (walk toward the shovel)
    2. there is two chest. which one do you like?
    Matt:
    Pick 1
    1. I’ll open it! *grabs lid and pulls it open* There is one single large diamond inside. As you know it is impossible to split a diamond in two, so how can we handle this?
    2. Open it! I want to know what we found.
    Mac:
    pick 1.
    1. now i have the shovel. dont you think i should decide it? (waving shovel)
    2. how about selling them right now. then slight the money?
    Matt:
    Pick 1.
    1. You have the shovel. I have this gun. *quick draws gun pointed at face* You’ve gone mad with greed. Put the shovel down or I’ll have no choice but to shoot.
    2. No need to get violent. We can solve this in a civilized manner.
    Mac:
    pick 1.
    if i am not here, i would expect how you explain to our boss!
    1. waving shovel to you
    2. wait
    Matt:
    pick 1.
    1. This is Texas. You can use any excuse to shoot anyone. *BANG*
    2. *gets hit in leg with shovel* *BANG* *shoots friend’s hand off* …. *wakes up in hospital with nurse over me* WHERE IS THE DIAMOND!!!
    Mac:
    pick 2.
    1. hey buddy. it is just a dream right?
    2. hey man where is the diamomd?
    Matt:
    Pick 2.
    1. The land owner took it. We were fired.
    2. You’ve been in a coma for 23 years. I took your half and invested it. You are the richest person on earth. Not mars though. That guy is ridiculously loaded.

  10. sandrak

    SCENARIO F:

    Don’t wear that.
    That looks ugly.

    It’s not ugly! It’s warm!
    It’s not ugly! It’s pink, which is different!

    That pink is hideous color.
    The pink just really isn’t flattering on you.

    This season’s pink is like the ugly sweater trend. It’s fashionable!
    You’re right, this is much more your shade of pink.

    The fashion world for you teenagers is crazy.
    Ugly sweaters are ugly sweaters. Just like how Christmas sweaters are all ugly.

    You really don’t like that sweater grandma made you, do you?
    You just don’t like Christmas.

    Don’t tell her I said that.
    No, I liked it… She made it with feelings, you know…

    Maybe pink has feelings, too. Like how blue is intrinsically sad.
    But you never wear it out of the house!

    Pink reminds me of Valentines, which is also a disgusting commercial holiday like Christmas. What is this world even.
    Yeah, I think pink is a romantic color. Just not that pink.

    You’re only sad because you can’t eat the chocolate dad gave you.
    Valentine’s Day has great, meaningful historical roots. And Halloween is great as well.

    Chocolate is my life’s drug.
    You are so lucky you have that metabolism. It ain’t gonna stay you know. It all goes to your butt when you get to my age…

    My butt doesn’t need any help!
    I give up. This sweater makes me look fat.

    Actually, it looks better the longer I look at it.
    You should take it off, so now we can go to the backyard and go burn it.

    If we really wanted to burn it we’d have to buy it first. Waste of money, you know?
    Can we burn that awful sequin covered dog saddle aunt Maggie bought rover instead?

    OHMYGOD. Actually, we SHOULD burn that awful dog saddle…
    We should just leave the store. These clothes are awful. Even more than the saddle.

    Can we buy marshmallows and graham crackers and make smores over its ashes?
    Oh, we should pick up special doggy treats while we’re at the store

    We can get the marshmallows and crackers. Just I can’t eat them. The chocolate, you know….
    MY DIET IS OVER. LETS EAT THE SMORES. AND BURN THE SADDLE.

    We can also buy ham and cheese and bread and put sandwiches on a stick and make croque monsieurs. I don’t actually like smores that much, it’s just the glory of the thing.
    We can just burn the crackers with nothing in them! It’s all carbs in the end.

    How do you even know how to make croque monsieurs?
    That sounds amazing. Let’s do it.

    It’s just a fancy name for a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. Or in our case, a fancy name for a lump of char.
    The Internet, mom. The Internet.

    I DON’T KNOW HOW TO INTERNET.
    I guess you learn everything from the Internet nowadays…. It makes me want to buy a smartphone. From what crazy fruit company you people always buy from. Orange…, no, Apple?

    Blackberry’s funeral is this week.
    In this case. Banana republic. Let’s leave the darn sweater and go home ☹

    *goes home*

  11. Sylvia Kosowski

    Excuse me, are you the owner of this vehicle?

    (1) Yes, I just lost the keys.
    (2) O-of course.

    (1) I see. May I see your license please?
    (2) Can I call Triple-A for you?

    (1) I locked my wallet inside the car though.
    (2) It’s right here!

    (1) *peers into the car* Really? I don’t see anything that looks like a wallet in there.
    (2) Hm. Alright. May I have your name and date of birth? *is running the license plate through the DMV database thing*

    (1) That’s because it’s in the glove compartment.
    (2) Maybe you need to get your eyes checked, it’s right there!

    (1) Why would you put your wallet in the glove compartment?
    (2) That’s fine. May I have your name and date of birth?

    (1) Think about it. If i got into a car accident, my wallet could fly into the air and hit me in the face at high speed, possibly hurting me. Safety first, right?
    (2) What gives you the right to question my life choices?

    (1) *chuckles* Sure. Let me call AAA for you.
    (2) *serious* I’m going to need your name and date of birth.

    (1) Hey look here. You seem like a friendly guy. I have something to ask you.
    (2) But my phone is locked in the car. And it looks like your phone is…missing???

    (1) *puts hand on gun holster, attempting intimidation* Yeah? What’s that?
    (2) What can I help with?

    (1) Truth be told this isn’t my car. But I’m stranded out here in the middle of nowhere and some criminal has kidnapped my mom and if I don’t drive out there immediately…
    (2) I can see right through you. You don’t actually want to be an officer. You think the whole system is corrupt right?

    (1) What are you trying to say? I work hard every day to keep the rest of the world safe from sleazeballs like you. I’m not even sure this is your car. I’m going to have to ask you to come with me.
    (2) What are you trying to say? I work hard every day to keep the rest of the world safe from sleazeballs like you. I’m not even sure this is your car. I’m going to have to ask you to come with me, just out of the view of the camera on my dashboard that is recording everything we say and do.

    (1) *moves out of view of camera* So now that no one can hear us…how do you feel about joining the resistance?
    (2) *moves out of view of camera* You’re going to have to prove your loyalty to the resistance in order to gain our trust.

    (1) Got you, sucker. *cuffs sucker* I knew you’d fall for that. You do realize I’m still wearing a body camera, right?
    (2) Honestly? I’m so done with all this.

    (1) You’re going to have to leave your entire old life behind. Are you prepared to make this sacrifice?
    (2) What can you do to prove to me that you’re telling the truth?

    *shoots car*
    (2) I didn’t say I wanted to join your stupid resistance. You know how often I stop idiots like you trying to break into cars? This is, what, the fifth time this week? And it’s only Wednesday!! Why do you even need all these cars? What are you trying to accomplish? God. Just cut it out already. I’m done. *gets in cop car, drives away*

    (1) It’ll be some time before you’re fully initiated, but you show promise. Come with me.
    (2) Wait dude, this was actually my car. You destroyed valuable property of the resistance.

    (1) Sure, whatever. I don’t even care.
    (2) I’m not taking orders from anybody anymore. Thanks for showing me the light. *gets into cop car and peels out into the night*

  12. Ralph

    Christian Murphy and Ralph Kim

    A woman has moved with her husband to his family home in a little New England town. She soon suspects that he is being possessed by the spirits of his creepy ancestors.

    The woman is hesitant to bring it up to her husband because of his bad temper. She feels lost, confused whether to consult her sister, or dead best friend
    The husband takes notice of this and confronts her. “Honey, I get the feeling that you’ve been avoiding me since we moved in.”

    a: “Whatever could you mean?”
    b: “Oh dear, I think the ham is ready.”

    She turns to him saying, oh dear i think the ham is ready…
    perhaps you could fill my oven later, I feel like youve been acting so strangely

    husband:

    A: why you naughty thing, put that ham down… I’m going to go ham on you

    B: Stop acting like a slut. You have my family name to uphold

    “Stop acting like a slut. You have my family name to uphold.”

    a: “Of course. I’m sorry. It’s just, my husband hasn’t been giving me what I need lately.”
    b: “*Giggles* I love when you talk down to me.”

    “Of course. I’m sorry. It’s just, my husband hasn’t been giving me what I need lately.”

    A: The husband doesn’t flinch. With steely eyes he takes the ham from her. Saying ‘wives don’t need to eat if they aren’t obedient’

    B: He blinks and says, my allegiance is to a higher power now. Only through sacrifice will you know such enlightnement

    “Wives don’t need to eat if they aren’t obedient.”

    a: “But please, I was going to serve that to my husband for dinner!”
    b: “Yes of course, Just please don’t take away my computer privileges.”

    “Yes of course, Just please don’t take away my computer privileges.”

    A: I would never dream of taking away your computer access, how could you cook exemplary dinners without access to Martha Stewart’s website?

    B: Whore! I know you only use the computer for porn

    “How could you cook exemplary dinners without access to Martha Stewart’s website?”

    a: She pulls out a vial of holy water and calls out to her sister in hiding. “My real husband hates Martha Stewart! Hold him down sis!”

    b: She thinks to herself, “It appears my real husband appears when he’s not angry.”

    a: She pulls out a vial of holy water and calls out to her sister in hiding. “My real husband hates Martha Stewart! Hold him down sis!”

    The sister tries to hold him down, but in one long howl the husband transforms. His skin wrinkles as it sheds, revealing a pulsating beating skeleton

    A: The sister yells I’ve brought a chainsaw

    B: the sister whimpers in fear
    “I’ve brought a chainsaw!” She swings a large horizontal arc, but the chains phase right through the skeleton.

    a: “Sis, here take the holy water!”

    b: “What do you want from us, spirit?”

    What do you want from us spirit

    She yells at the top of her lungs

    The spirit turns, grinning, as blood drips down his jaw bone

    A: I want you both to die!

    B: I want you both to carry my child
    “I want you both to carry my child” Her husband’s husk that the spirit had shed was fully erect.

    a: “That’s it! The spirit is still connected to that body!”

    b: “Carry this!” She shouted as she splashed the extra salty holy water onto the husk’s throbbing knob.

    b: “Carry this!” She shouted as she splashed the extra salty holy water onto the husk’s throbbing knob.

    The husband laughs maniacally

    A: You have only invigorated me with your water sports

    B: While you may have halted my conquest, my spirit is strong! He sheds his skeleton transporting into the sister. the sister’s eyes turn red as she turns to the woman licking her lips

    She turns to the woman licking her lips.

    a: “You have no way to bear children now. Begone now!”

    b: “That’s exactly what we wanted.” The wife’s dead bestfriend’s spirit had been lying in wait within her sister body. Only a spirit could hurt a spirit.

    A:

    A: You are right the spirit scoffs, but I will transcend the boundaries of this form… and when you bear children they will bear the mark of evil

    B: NOOOOOO you have foiled me, the spirit writhes in pain

    “You have foiled me!”

    a: “You derived your power from your sexuality, but it is also your downfall.”

    b: “Let’s see how long you can stay inside a woman’s body in a constant state of dysphoria. It’s going to be really, really uncomfortable.”

    “You derived your power from your sexuality, but it is also your downfall.”

    The spirit screams

    The woman runs out of the house

    A: Never to return

    B: Grabbing gasoline and a torch

    never to return the end

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