***!!!UPDATED!!!***
- NOW WITH SOUND!
- some words were changed around too I guess
- credits page now tells you how well you did
- puns are more obvious
a short story about a loved one, in train format
structure below the cut
19 comments
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I really enjoyed the format and aesthetics. Somehow being on a train is a perfect metaphor for a Twine game: you are slowly funneled towards the end of the story, but your thoughts can wander here and there before ultimately converging back to the destination. The story flowed well and had replayability; it was short and sweet enough for me to go back and try to find the other details. I also liked the colors and the visual flow down. I wonder if it would be more interesting if each text box scrolled to the right as opposed to down, to better mimic a train?
Haha, I hadn’t thought of changing the scroll direction! I like it! I would definitely implement that if I were to do this project all over again.
– very nice css effects to elegantly divide events/thought/flashback
– reveal text might be too slow to advance–speed it up a bit
I really like the style of this game, and the writing of course. The way you used Jonathan (right) really makes it feel like memories, and the use of color, jumping into the water and the dark blues kind of makes you feel like you’re submerged…very evocative.
I like the idea of a short reminiscence, but the ending doesn’t make sense contextually. It sounds a little like you just needed the story to end somehow. I feel like this could have been better accomplished by (for example) the lunch person tapping you on the shoulder.
It’s possible you got a bad ending! I didn’t make it very clear that there were multiple “endings” (really multiple paths to the same end, some more gratifying than others.) I’ve updated the game so that the end credits clearly indicate whether your path was optimal.
Your point still stands, though. I can see how the worst ending (if you got the one I’m thinking of) could come off that way, especially if it’s the first one the player encounters. I might consider rewriting it in the future. Thanks for the feedback!
I really like the use of blocks of colour to represent different types of narrative text. I’d say that the part about getting a phone call a few days ago should have been green. I’d say that the game doesn’t feature much in the way of ‘choice’ that affects a narrative, but it does provide a strong closed experience.
Loved the colors and the theme, very beautiful glow to the memories. I think your writing style is very natural to read. I enjoyed the trip down memory lane which is the easiest way for me to describe it. It was a nice taste of a situation and some memories, I’d like to see it become a story with more of a plot.
The use of color is really smart, especially in the lake sequence. The differing passages help to categorize the memories/experiences temporally and punctuate the residual “train” for when you go back to see the line of content. The glow of the active passage is also a nice touch. It adds this sleepy ambiance that mirrors the atmosphere of a sleepy train ride. The path I followed had the meandering feel of mental wandering, but was heavier and (in the amount of text) more specific than a stream of consciousness. I felt amount of text was a trade-off between emotional content and atmosphere, as I feel it did more for the atmosphere (making me sleepy) than the content. Playing with this ratio may yield different results.
I am particularly drawn to the moment of the game where the line of text appears in one-line-sections. There is a brief sense of anticipation before the story is revealed… As the game progresses, the gamer is able to decide what aspect of the scene the narrator should focus on. A series of memories unfolds from these decisions that are made by the participant.
I really, really liked this game. It seems well-manicured and is very well-written. If I have one gripe, it’s that the text was very long, and almost too obscure at times. It seems like I’d have to play through the game multiple times to understand it, which is somewhat tedious, especially because I’m not sure what different choices I should make. I did like the dreamy feel of it, though.
My creative writing skills aren’t very polished, so I’ll definitely keep an eye on how long/obscure my writing can get. Thanks for the feedback!
I really enjoyed the atmosphere you set up in this piece. The use of visuals was really good, and I liked how the different colors conveyed different levels of emotional strength (and different emotions for that matter). I enjoyed the fragmentation of the narrative. It’s also interesting scrolling back up through the completed text and seeing what proportions of colors are in the narrative. For example, on my first playthrough I think I only really had like one or two blue scenes (plunging into the lake) and in my second playthrough I had a huge chunk of blue (talking about the first kiss). So it was interesting how you could get different emotional proportions in each playthrough and then look back and see what emotion dominated on that playthrough.
Extremely loved the aesthetics of this one. The colors. The fonts. The glow. EVERYTHING. GOOD DESIGN. It really brought a this weird mood to the pieces, especially with the neon glow. A sort of romantic grittiness? I don’t know. I liked the cyclical aspect to this story, as well as the way that the Twine format allowed for brief moments of anticipation. Some of the texts were too long for me to focus on, but it was nicely balanced with the one-liners.
fabulous user interface. Everything from complimentary colors to time oriented sectons (under the water) make the player feel very involved. I loved the urgency that waiting to read the next text section brought into me. I wish that you used an ambiguous name and gender for your lover/friend since picking a generic name will always give people preconceived notions. Maybe if you could pick your gender at the beginning it would allow for the rest of the options to change? IDK either way this piece is a clear cut success, I just wish your title image focused less on the train and more on the reflective nature of the game
When I was concepting this, I was really focused on the idea of using Twine to convey a fixed storyline through the lens of the character’s train of thought (get it???). Since the underlying story had to be constant, I felt like having a fixed name/gender for Claire was obligatory. Looking back, I realize that that’s not the case at all; a story can be constant and personalized to the reader at the same time. I do feel like I missed a good opportunity to take advantage of Twine in that way.
That being said, I’m not entirely sure how I would have pulled off having the player name/gender Claire. It feels awkward to unsubtly ask the user for a name; then they know that name will show up later, which sort of ruins the immersion IMO. Also, *spoilers* it’s implied that Claire’s family is fairly intolerant of LGBTQ* ideas, which would make it implausible for Claire to have a non-binary gender while living with them. If I force Claire to fit into the gender binary via limiting the player’s gender options, then I’m either excluding nonbinary people from my game, or I need a disclaimer saying that “due to Claire’s living situation, they might be closeted! We’ll never know!” which is not what I want to be doing for several reasons.
There’s probably a good way to do it that I’m not thinking of! Or maybe I’m just overthinking this. Either way, thank you for the feedback!
I could not tell if the climatic red block of text is supposed to be empty or not.
I enjoyed the meandering thinking and could relate to the setting and characters, which delighted me.
It would be nice if there was a little bit more back story for the different initial thoughts.
Nothing should be empty – how long did you wait? Some passages have no text for a few seconds. If you waited longer than that there might be a weird bug, in which case let me know!
I really liked the story. The aesthetics and sounds were a nice touch. It really did a good job of modelling the way your train of thought works, great metaphor!