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5 comments
  1. Katie September 11, 2012

    I’m pretty sure the perspective was changing? It was a little unclear, I’m pretty confused about what just happened. It made sense up until I ran into “My mom told me to get a gun license”, and then I couldn’t follow anymore.

    If it’s a matter of perspective shift, maybe something like changing fonts for the different characters would help?

  2. Jessica T September 11, 2012

    The URL you gave doesn’t work on chrome, but this does: http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/abiar/ so I hope that’s your game! The images aren’t working, though, and it seems like that’s a big part of the game 🙁

    Your writing is really absorbing. I love the story you told, and the consistent message at the end definitely resonates after playing through several different branches of the story.

  3. Jennifer Lee September 11, 2012

    It’s a shame the images aren’t working because I feel like I’m missing a large part of the story’s impact because of it. However, I liked the theme of grief going through all of the paths and your writing was very absorbing.

  4. Eric September 11, 2012

    Your writing is great. The ambiguity of what’s going on at some points draws me in. The story is really strong, and charged, and you handled it well (not too corny/dramatic). I like the small thrown-in greek myth reference at the end. I think the introduction of music (cigarette) is great, it added a new dimension while reading it; maybe it could be stronger if there was more than one song?

  5. paolo September 13, 2012

    Good writing, perfect for the theme. The external (meta)references are great, I was hoping to see more of this kind of stuff in these assignments.
    My only note is: in one of the crucial passages you mention a lot of noise but it’s not immediately clear that it was a shooting, maybe I wasn’t reading super carefully but you definitely don’t want your player/reader to miss the most important part of the plot.
    Good job!

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